Coming Soon To A Store Near You...

It is the year 2117. The world has changed greatly from the one we know now. It is a loveless world of laws and government. People are told when to eat, when to sleep, and even when to have children. Many heroes have died fighting this oppression. Such heroes have now long been forgotten. Twenty six years have passed since anyone has questioned who was in charge of the world. Leaders are no longer worried, they believe that no one is strong enough to stand up against them. Children have been taught to obey, anyone that wishes to do anything still is far too old or weak to do so. It seems the world has accepted it's ill fate. Except for one, she has heard the stories from her mother of a once great and free land. She wishes to live in such a place but she knows that there is a price to be paid. Her mother has taught her everything she knows and she believes she has found a way to save this place. It is correct that she cannot do anything at this time but this will not stop her from her goal. For time is on her side this once. For this young girl will go back to the year 2032 and stop this terrible future from ever happening. For 2032 was the year stripping was banned from our world and things took a turn for the worse. Many people have wondered if there were a stripper so great in that time, that all this pain and suffering could be taken away. They will no longer have to wonder. For the young girl that has been spoken of is from a long lineage of great exotic dancers but will her sex appeal, skimpy outfits and pole dancing ability be enough? I believe it will be, but there is another. Another man, that has come upon her plot, a man that will do everything to stop her. His name is well known. It brings fear to those that hear it. For his name is Chip Butler. He lacks a heart and stripping disgusts him. For he is named after another Chip which was responsible for a famous male stripping chain. For his name is tainted and if ever stripping were to be brought back, he would live a life of shame. This is as much a story of Chip Butler as it is a time travelling stripper's only chance to save the world.

...TO STRIP FOR A BETTER TOMORROW...



Inspired by a comment on my other blog. Oddly enough, not one of the weirder things I've written.

Grrr...

Yeah, I've been a little frustrated lately. I recall in the middle of a lab where things were getting a little out of hand, I just yelled out, "Fuck, I wish I was a dinosaur". Where the hell did that come from? Although, I think it would be pretty amazing to see a T-rex try to handle test tubes. Sometimes I just want to start playing a game of slaps or fives. What the hell am I talking about? Well, it's pretty much where I go up to someone and say slaps or fives. Now, in my mind this game would be widespread, so they would know what I was talking about and would either agree to play or decline. For all intent and purposes, let's say they accept the challenge. Now I flip a coin, if I win, I get to slap that person, if I lose, I have to pay that person 5 bucks. Now I can choose to go another round, but if I lose, I now have to pay triple what I payed the past round. This can continue until I am content with the number of slaps I get in or when I want to stop risking money. This game would really help out the economic gap. Many rich people are stressed out or are bored, while people who need money could really get things going if they have some luck (5,15,45,135,405,1215,3645, that's about as far as my Asian powers will allow me to go). Obviously, this game could be changed to hundreds and ball kicks, thousands and stabs, whatever you decide on. I'm just trying to keep things fresh.

A Little Too Random

I was walking to an exam. Then the wierdest thing happened. This was my thought process:

That mission impossible 3 looks like a good movie. X-men 3 is coming out around the same time. Isn't the guy that plays Frasier going to be beast in that movie. Who plays Frasier again? Crane sounds familiar. Shit, that's his character's name too. Oh my goodness, this is really going to bother me. Henry Oswald? No, that's not right, that's the guy that shot Lincoln. Henry doesn't sound right though, oh man. Why the fuck did I think of that? Now I have two things to worry about. This is going to really bother me for the exam, should I call someone. No, that's ridiculous. Calling someone up to check the internet about the name of the guy that plays Frasier Crane and the name of the guy that shot Lincoln. Shit!!!

Needless to say the exam didn't go too well. That's probably because I rarely go to class anymore. I have trouble concentrating in class, I guess you gathered that much.

Run

My roommate was joking around today. He knocked the door to the apartment and then hid. Eventually, he came in. I gave him a couple pushes and then he went out the door. I continued to push him a few times, while he tried to run away. Eventually, he got away or so he thought. I was in pajamas so he assumed that I wouldn't follow him. He was wrong, I went back to the apartment, quickly changed and continued to pursue him. A few minutes later, he saw me. This is when things got interesting, he had no idea what I was going to do and was just trying to get away from me. So the chase was on. It lasted a long time but I eventually caught up to him. I let him off easy but it was so much fun. I have no idea why I went out and chased him for so long, it was me just being random I guess. It got me to think that we all should play tag a bit more often. It's amazing. Seriously, do it with a friend, a girlfriend, anyone really. Put a prize on the line to make it more interesting if you want. Trust me, it's great. If you want to make it even more fun, bring a mp3 player or whatever portable music device you have. Several tracks I recommend for when you're playing an amped up game of tag:

a) Linkin Park - Faint
b) Kasabian - Club Foot
c) Paul Oakenfold - Ready, Steady, Go
d) Who - Pinball Wizard
e) Mortal Kombat Theme
f) SR-71 - Right Now
g) Rocky Soundtrack - Eye of the Tiger
h) Queen - We Will Rock You
i) Prodigy - Smack My Bitch Up
j) POD - Alive
k) Planet Smashers - Super Orgy Porno Party
l) Kageyama Hironobu - Hikari No Will Power
m) Inner Circle - Bad Boys
n) Iggy Pop ft. Sum 41 - Little Know It All
o) Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta
p) Gold Finger - 99 Red Balloons
q) Flock of Seagulls - I Ran
r) Europe - The Final Countdown
s) English Beat - March of the Swivelheads
t) Dream Theatre - Mission Impossible Theme
u) Andrew WK - Party Hard
v) Minibosses - Metroid
w) The Advantage - Ninja Gaiden (Mine Shaft)
x) Cursive - Art is Hard

Stained With Blood

This is an actual email I sent out yesterday:

Happy 21st Birthday,

My guess is that you weren’t expecting anything from me. Normally, that would be the case but your boyfriend kind of forced me to do it, not that I mind. I don’t know if you know this but he can be very mean sometimes. Like the time he killed my hamster in front of me with his bare hands because I wouldn’t share my Donatello action figure with him. Yeah…that wasn’t too good. That put our friendship on pretty thin ice actually. I mean it’s been 14 years but you never really get over something like that. I just bring it up because your birthday is so close to when all this happened. I remember Monday, February 10, 1992 like it was yesterday. Anyways, have a great birthday. Enjoy the gift certificate. (Sorry, I couldn’t come up with something more original). Have an extra good time for Fluffy’s sake (Ashes to ashes, dust to dust).

Talk to you later, Jake


That's probably one of the most random birthday messages I've ever sent out. My favourite thing was definitely when some people asked me if he really killed a hamster or if I made all this up. I think that's pretty obvious...He killed it.

Jell-o, Mario...What?

A weird idea came to my head and I was just about to start writing about it but then I listened to the Minibosses. An awesome video music cover band, just in case you were wondering. The specific song I heard was a Super Mario Bros. 2 cover. What the hell happened to that game. I still play number one on occasion, yes, I am a nerd-o. Super Mario Bros. 3 is still played by a bunch of people too. What the hell happened to 2, was there a 2? Was there some programming mishap and Mario is doing something awful to Princess Peach and they had to take it off the market. If that's the case, I need to see that. You don't understand, I need to see that now. Also, I was thinking is this really a random thought, if a song inspired it. I guess the thought itself is odd enough to be considered random. How about this thought on whether it is random, is that a random thought. I guess that all depends on whether the original thought on the Mario game was random. This is complicated and I'll have to think about. Since it is a pre-planned thought process, my answer to this will obviously not be on this blog. Back to business though. I think it would be great if we started using the words, Jell-o and ice cream in place for yes and no, respectively of course. Since alternatively using the words ice cream for yes and Jell-o for no, would just be ridiculous (Also notice my use of a dash in the word Jell-o, spell it right kids, Bill Cosby demands your respect) . My logic for this, if not only for the change, is that it will make negative situations more positive. Let me demonstrate. A small child goes into a store and sees an expensive toy he wants. He says, "Mom, can I get this?". Instead of saying no, which is basically just begging for a public tantrum, the women says ice cream, the child almost forgets about his need for the toy immediately and now wants a sundae. I just saved parents everywhere from almost certain public embarassment. Another situation. Your girlfriend asks you, "Did you forget about our date?". Now, we both know, you certainly did, now a yes, would probably land you on the defensive side of an hour long argument. Now let's see how my alternative plays out. Instead of saying yes, you say Jell-o. Her angerous thoughts are quickly displaced by thoughts of raspberry, grape, and perhaps lime flavours. You quickly step in with, "I know you're angry, I'm really sorry, but just saying Jell-o puts me in the mood for it, want to go make it together". Most people love Jell-o, so she'll probably say sure, you'll go make some, possibly you'll have a few cups in the fridge if you're lucky. Your relationship is stable, you share a moment, you get a delicious fat free dessert. I like this situation a lot better. Shit, now I'm in the mood for Jell-o.

A New Hello

I believe that the handshake, the hug, are just too old fashioned. Although, rubbing up against a pretty girl's ample chest sounds pretty cozy right now. I think we need a new form of hello. What I'm suggesting is the slap. Crazy am I? No sir, I have thought this through (for like 2 minutes). You see, with a slap you know exactly where you stand. A light slap, it's all good, a prepared to duel slap, you did something fucking wrong. If the slap is hard enough, it's punishment enough, and you both can move on. No wasted arguments, just straight to the punch, so to speak. It's like a relationship barometer. Slapping bitches will no longer have to be degrading. A pimp slap will just become an angry greeting. So no more with having to fake politeness when you awkwardly meet with someone you don't particularly like. All you have to do now is welcome that person to the rougher parts of slap city. You'll feel a hell of a lot better and that other person will know that they better start acting right. I say we just try the idea out for a day or so. If things don't work out, little harm is done. If things do work out, you can praise me for the idea. I'm just trying to get us closer to a Utopia here people.

If I Were A Monkey

I think that it would be great to have my mind in a monkey's body. I would have so much fun. I could walk up to someone I didn't like, look at them funny, shit in my hand, throw it in their face and start laughing. They wouldn't be able to do a thing about it because I would be a monkey. I could run around campus, touching all the pretty girls and I would get in absolutely no trouble because hey, I'm a monkey. I'd make other people's lives better too. I'd walk into Dairy Queen, point to a picture on the wall and pay for it. I think whomever served me the ice cream would be so happy, because for the rest of their lives they can say they served a banana split to a monkey. How awesome would that be? I think I'd abuse my freedom though, I'd probably touch myself inappropriately in publc. Hey! It's almost fucking expected from a monkey. All in all though, it would be great to be a monkey every now and then.



Yes, this is a new blog. My other blogs contain heavier pieces of work which doesn't allow for this sort of thought play. If you can't tell this blog will probably be my most ridiculous one and will show a side of me that only few know. Enjoy!